The Bear
HEY HEY HEY, EVERYBODY!
Fozzie Bear here and do I have an announcement for you tonight, oh boy, this is a good one, this is maybe my best one yet, Kermit said it was good, well actually Kermit said it was “fine” but I could tell he meant good, I could tell by the way he said it, anyway —
THE BOSTON MAGIC LAB IS HAVING A BARBECUE!
[waits for applause]
[there is some applause]
[it stops sooner than expected]
That’s okay! That’s okay, we’re just getting started, we’re just warming up, just like the GRILL is going to be warming up, heh heh, you see what I did there, it’s a barbecue so there’s a grill and the grill —
STATLER: The only thing that needs warming up is our coats so we can leave!
WALDORF: Ha ha ha ha ha!
[Fozzie adjusts hat]
Okay! Okay. So! The barbecue is on Sunday May the seventeenth at one o’clock in the afternoon at 70 Scituate Street in Arlington Massachusetts in the back yard and you are ALL invited, every single one of you, even —
[looks up at the balcony]
— even those guys.
STATLER: We’re not coming!
WALDORF: We wouldn’t miss it!
STATLER: What?
WALDORF: I said we wouldn’t miss it! The food is supposed to be wonderful!
STATLER: Oh. Well. We’re still not laughing at the bear.
FOZZIE: That’s okay, nobody ever —
[clears throat]
ANYWAY. The food! Speaking of food! Everyone is asked to bring food or drink to share, which is very exciting, and the coordination of what everyone brings is forthcoming, which is a GREAT word, forthcoming, have you ever really thought about that word, forth-coming, it’s coming forth, it’s on its way, it’s like a joke where you’re still waiting for the punchline —
STATLER: Like all of Fozzie’s jokes!
WALDORF: Ha ha ha ha ha!
FOZZIE: Wocka wocka wocka!
[pause]
[Fozzie takes a breath]
Now. I want to tell you about someone. Someone very special. Someone who in my professional opinion as an entertainer of many years’ standing is the single greatest performer at this entire event and her name —
her name —
is JEANNINE.
[genuine awe]
Jeannine is going to be at the grill, folks, and I have seen some things in my time, I have performed at the Borscht Belt, I have opened for acts you would not believe, I once shared a bill with a man who could whistle and yodel simultaneously which is frankly terrifying, but Jeannine at the grill is —
it’s not a joke.
I mean it IS good, it’s incredibly good, but it’s not a joke, it’s the real thing, and sometimes in comedy you learn that the real thing is funnier than anything you could write, and also sometimes it’s just —
beautiful.
It’s just beautiful.
[small pause]
She probably won’t laugh at my jokes either but that’s okay.
STATLER: Smart woman!
WALDORF: Ha ha ha ha ha!
FOZZIE: Wocka wocka —
[voice catches slightly]
[recovers]
WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA!
So come on down, folks! May 17th! One o’clock! 70 Scituate Street Arlington! The back yard! Bring something good! Felice has organized everything and when Felice has organized everything you KNOW it’s going to be a great show —
a great show!
It’s going to be a great —
[looks at notes]
barbecue.
It’s going to be a great barbecue.
Which is also a kind of show!
If you think about it!
STATLER: We’d rather not!
WALDORF: Ha ha ha ha ha!
FOZZIE: Wocka wocka wocka! Goodnight everybody! Come to the barbecue! Jeannine is going to be there! It’s going to be —
[quietly, to himself, walking offstage]
it’s going to be really nice actually.
[He means it.]
[He always means it.]