South Park
STAN: Dude.
KYLE: What.
STAN: The Magic Lab is having a barbecue.
KYLE: …Seriously?
STAN: May seventeenth. One o’clock. 70 Scituate Street Arlington. The back yard.
KYLE: Dude, that’s actually pretty cool.
CARTMAN: [immediately] I’m not going.
STAN: What? Why not?
CARTMAN: Because I don’t WANT to go, Stan, because barbecues are stupid and boring and the last time we went somewhere like that Kyle’s mom tried to make everyone do a group activity and it was literally the worst day of my life.
KYLE: That was a BIRTHDAY PARTY, Cartman, and you ate all the cake before anyone else got any.
CARTMAN: I was hungry, Kyle. I’m sorry that my metabolism is different from yours, I’m sorry that I have a condition —
KYLE: You don’t have a condition!
CARTMAN: — and I’m sorry that you can’t be supportive of my —
KYLE: Oh my GOD.
STAN: Guys. GUYS. Jeannine is going to be there.
[silence]
CARTMAN: …Jeannine?
STAN: Jeannine.
CARTMAN: [quietly] The grill one?
STAN: The grill one.
CARTMAN: [long pause]
CARTMAN: …I’m going.
KYLE: Oh of course you’re going NOW —
CARTMAN: I have always wanted to go, Kyle, I never said I didn’t want to go, what I said was —
KYLE: You literally just said barbecues are stupid!
CARTMAN: I said SOME barbecues are stupid. Barbecues without Jeannine. Which are, statistically, most barbecues. This is a DIFFERENT situation, Kyle, and the fact that you can’t see the distinction is honestly really concerning to me.
KENNY: [muffled] mmph mmmph mmm mmmph mmph
STAN: Kenny says he’s been thinking about Jeannine’s burgers since last year.
KYLE: Yeah Kenny, same, honestly.
CARTMAN: Last year I had three of them and I’m not ashamed of that. I would have had more but SOMEONE —
KYLE: Do not look at me —
CARTMAN: I’m not looking at anyone, Kyle, I’m just saying that three burgers is not enough burgers for a growing boy and if certain people had been more aware of the concept of sharing —
KYLE: You took NINE before anyone else had ANY.
CARTMAN: I was excited.
STAN: Okay so we’re all going. We need to bring food or drink.
CARTMAN: I’ll bring something.
KYLE: You’re not going to bring something.
CARTMAN: I’m absolutely going to bring something, Kyle, I’m a very generous person, everyone says so —
KYLE: No one says that.
CARTMAN: — and I already have something in mind, it’s going to be great, everyone is going to love it —
STAN: What are you going to bring?
CARTMAN: …I’ll figure it out.
KYLE: He’s not going to bring anything.
CARTMAN: I’M going to bring something AMAZING, Kyle, and you’re going to feel very bad about this conversation —
KENNY: [muffled] mmph mmm mmmph mm mmph mmph mmm
STAN: Kenny says he’s going to bring those little hot dogs in the blankets.
KYLE: Oh dude nice.
CARTMAN: [instantly] Kenny that is an EXCELLENT idea, I was going to suggest that actually, I was literally just about to say —
KYLE: Oh my GOD you were NOT —
CARTMAN: I was LITERALLY just about to say pigs in blankets, Kyle, ask Stan, Stan I was about to say that wasn’t I —
STAN: I mean… you weren’t, dude.
CARTMAN: [quietly furious] …Fine.
[pause]
STAN: Felice organized everything by the way.
KYLE: Oh then it’ll be great. Felice always organizes everything perfectly.
CARTMAN: I love Felice.
KYLE: You don’t even know Felice!
CARTMAN: I know OF Felice, Kyle, and what I know I respect enormously, which is more than I can say for certain people’s mothers —
KYLE: DO NOT —
CARTMAN: I wasn’t going to say anything about your mother, Kyle, God, not everything is about your mom, I was going to say more than I can say for certain people’s ATTITUDES —
STAN: Dude this is going to be so awesome.
KENNY: [muffled, happily] mmph mmm mmph mmm mmph
STAN: Yeah Kenny. Jeannine.
[They all go quiet for a moment, thinking about it.]
CARTMAN: [sincerely, almost to himself] She really is incredible.
KYLE: [also sincerely] Yeah.
STAN: Yeah.
KENNY: [muffled] mmph.
[The bus arrives.]
[Cartman does not bring anything to the barbecue.]
[He has four of Kenny’s pigs in blankets.]
[On the way home, Kenny is trampled by a roving pack of feral chihuahuas.]