Lamour
[TITLE CARD: “ROAD TO ARLINGTON”]
[ukulele sting]
HOPE: Say Bing, where are we headed?
CROSBY: Arlington, Bob. Massachusetts. There’s a barbecue.
HOPE: A barbecue! I love a barbecue. Who’s cooking?
CROSBY: Jeannine.
HOPE: [stops walking]
HOPE: THE Jeannine?
CROSBY: The very same.
HOPE: [to camera] We’re going.
CROSBY: We were always going, Bob.
HOPE: I knew that. I just wanted the audience to know that I knew that.
CROSBY: The audience knew you knew.
HOPE: Did they?
CROSBY: They’re very sophisticated.
HOPE: [looks at audience doubtfully] If you say so.
CROSBY: Seventy Scituate Street. Rear garden. One o’clock. May the seventeenth.
HOPE: And we bring something.
CROSBY: We bring something.
HOPE: What are we bringing?
CROSBY: I thought you were bringing something.
HOPE: I thought YOU were bringing something.
CROSBY: Bob.
HOPE: Bing.
CROSBY: [to camera] He’s not bringing anything.
HOPE: [to camera] He’s not bringing anything either but he looks better doing it.
CROSBY: [begins to croon, inexplicably] There’s a garden in Arlington… Where the smoke rises up to the sky… Where Jeannine tends the fire… And you’d better not try… To tell her the chicken needs turning… Or ask her how long… She’s the queen of the grill, Bob… And she’s never been wrong…
HOPE: [wiping eye] That was beautiful, Bing.
CROSBY: Thank you, Bob.
HOPE: I hated every second of it.
CROSBY: I know you did.
HOPE: What about Felice? Is Felice going to be there?
CROSBY: Felice has organized everything.
HOPE: [genuine relief] Oh thank God.
CROSBY: I know.
HOPE: No I mean it. Remember when Felice WASN’T handling things?
CROSBY: That was a different picture.
HOPE: Terrible picture.
CROSBY: Didn’t do well at the box office.
HOPE: Nobody brought anything to share.
CROSBY: Coordination was not forthcoming.
HOPE: [shudders]
[Dorothy Lamour appears, inexplicably, in the rear garden]
LAMOUR: Boys! You made it!
HOPE: [immediately straightening hair] Dorothy! You look wonderful!
CROSBY: [already at the food table] She really does.
HOPE: Don’t you have somewhere to be?
CROSBY: I’m at the food table, Bob. I’m exactly where I need to be.
HOPE: [to camera] He does this every picture. Every single picture.
LAMOUR: Jeannine’s almost ready.
HOPE AND CROSBY: [in unison] JEANNINE.
[they look at each other]
[they look at the camera]
HOPE: How does she do it?
CROSBY: Every year, Bob. Every year.
[Paramount logo appears in the sky for no reason]
[Hope looks up at it]
HOPE: You know they’re not even paying us for this one.
CROSBY: It’s a barbecue, Bob. Nobody gets paid.
HOPE: [to camera]
Don’t miss it though.
May seventeenth. One o’clock. Seventy Scituate Street, Arlington. The rear garden. Bring something.
CROSBY: [already eating]
Worth the trip.
HOPE: [muttering, walking offscreen]
He always gets to the food first. Forty years. Every picture. The food.
[TITLE CARD: “THE END”]
[ukulele sting]
[TITLE CARD: “Produced by Felice & the Directors — Boston Magic Lab”]
[TITLE CARD: “No camels were harmed in the making of this invitation”]